Pages
by shi-chan
Summary: KakaIruKabuIta RP story spinoff. Iruka thinks of his life as a roller coaster ride with two loops that he bought a ticket for. Now, he can't finish his ride. And this time, it's his choice ...
1. Chapter 1

**PAGES 1 **

_Someone asked me today on how I was doing and all I could do was smile. They smiled back, feeling happy. But me, I felt empty … _

_I kept smiling and said, "I'm all right …"_

_-_

It took some time to get used to the idea of taking care of three people. He loved all three so he didn't mind the load or the burden. He didn't have to worry about rent nor did he have to worry about nosy neighbors or complaints being given by the apartment complex owner. He had his own house; his parents' house. The walls of the house are all a soft shade of yellow. It was his choice to paint the walls yellow. The choice was a mystery to him. It was a big house, four rooms, three bathrooms and a very spacious living room. There was a back garden that he dedicated time to every week to tend to and a fairly good sized dojo as well.

He kept telling himself that he loves his home and the people that come and give it life. And yet, he wonders if the life that graced his house by three people he truly cares for somehow managed to reach his heart.

-

_I saw one of my students crying in the playground today. He was hiding from the other children, leaning against the barbwire fence that lead to the target training field. _

"_What's wrong?" I asked._

"_They call me weak. I just wanted to play with them. Make friends." The crying child answered._

"_You will. One day. You survive. So you're not weak. You're strong."_

_The crying child wipes his tears and looks at me with his large gray eyes. "Iruka-sensei is strong."_

_And I can only smile and answer, "Maybe. Sometimes I feel like I've lost all my strength …"_

_-_

The first thing he ever did when he got home from the hospital was to start moving furniture around. He didn't tell anyone nor did he request help. Once or twice, Kakashi would come and give him a hand when he's not being over worked by the Hokage. It was not Kakashi's fault, that much he knows and understands and so he doesn't blame him. He does the work by himself.

It took a month to finish painting the entire house, replace the floor boards and roof tiles and get the garden trimmed. He worked day night in his house, with the occasional helping hand from Kabuto. He was grateful for the medic's help and always will be.

After all, it wasn't just the gardens Kabuto ever helped him in.

Iruka feels that he owes Kabuto his life.

Months later he starts to doubt that debt.

-

_I do not like drinking and I never liked it. A drunken staff member asked me during the graduation party for the new batch if there was ever something I regretted … _

"_Yes," I said. "I regret living … "_

_-_

The house still smelled of fresh paint and newly waxed floor tiles. The smell of the thinner coating the furniture filled the air of the house. It was suffocating for Iruka's likes but it was his new home. He didn't decorate the walls with family pictures. What personal belongings he had of his past life, he kept hidden in the attic in a locked and sealed box that nobody will ever open unless they had his blood in their hands. He had many things he wanted to put on the walls and around the house.

For example, he had a lovely woolen carpet that belonged to his mother that he wanted to feel under his toes like he always did when he was a child. That carpet was rolled and wrapped in thick plastic and stored away in the attic. He had a beautifully calligraphed scroll wall display that belonged to his father that spoke of a folklore that he imagined seeing in his living room wall; that scroll was now tucked in its bamboo case, wrapped in cloth and hidden in the attic too. There were family pictures, students parties and memorable moments that never failed to make smile that he wanted framed on the wall. But they were all in albums, hidden in a large box in the attic.

Instead, there was a plain blue and gray floor rug in the middle of his living room. There was a painting of nature on his wall that he bought for a good price in a nearby sale. He never used the fine china his mother owned and kept; the very china they all ate with when his parents were still alive. Instead, there was a set of plain white and blue china set that he bought for everyday use stored in his kitchen cupboards. The fine silver and blue china that his mother kept was hidden in the attic.

Everything was hidden in the attic.

There were times when Iruka would come home to an empty large house. Sometimes Kakashi was sent away on long missions parring also with the dates Kabuto was sent off on missions too. Sometimes Itachi wouldn't be on his couch, chewing dessert he left in the fridge for him. He obviously got used to the fact that they were all shinobis and busy people fairly quickly.

He doesn't mind being alone.

With them gone now, he was just left in his study room, looking out the window with the papers scattered on the desk in front of him. Winter was drawing near and Konoha's winters are fairly mild.

Sighing, he started to sort the papers out according to the highest student grade. When he completed the task, he moves to the second room in the house. The four rooms in the house was turned in to some sort of get away. The last room had one large futon on one side and the basic small furniture. Iruka gave it a warm touch by adding displays and a tall side lamp along with a shelf of books good to read before sleeping. The bottom shelf of course held most of Kakashi's Icha Icha series.

The third room was turned in to a guest room. Iruka made sure that the closet in the guest room had double futons and its basic furniture as well. It had a bigger window compared to the last room and had a darker yellow paint job. Unlike the last room, it had no balcony or book shelf. Hardly any of the three entered the third room.

The second room was a study. Iruka kept all his work in that particular room. It had the office feel to it and like many years ago, it used to be his father's work room. There was a large shelf on the far wall that had books and several encyclopedias and other informative documents and maps arranged by alphabetical order. A large tack-it board lay on side of the room where Iruka tacked on important notes, schedules and work memos provided the administration. The room was just a vision of work loads to anyone who entered it.

The first room, was where all the television, radio and VCR went. Kakashi cheekily called it the entertainment room. There were floor cushions, a cupboard with extra pillows and blankets and several collections of movies and music to choose from. The room had no window but Iruka made sure to install ambient lights in the corner of the room to make up for the lack of a window. It gave a good feel to entire room and most of the time, his three companions liked to spend their time in the first room.

Iruka sighed as he piled the papers on one side and pad for the second room. He avoided the master's bedroom more on autopilot mode rather than by choice. He couldn't remember when he started avoiding the room when neither three were present but for now, as he settled down on the futon he laid out, he was glad he did.

It was just habit.

Not choice.

Then again maybe it was choice.

Iruka just wasn't aware when he made it.

-

_It was a simple game of truth or dare. Something a very bored teacher seem to think fun when it wasn't funny at all. At some point or the other, the tip of the bottle points at me, the base at a colleague._

"_Do you ever, ever wish you had a better life?" She asked._

_This was coming from someone who also lost her family and now found love in two adopted children and a lover. She is like me I, I think. But not me. Perhaps compared to her, I'm just a broken mirrored reflection._

"_Yes. Many times." I say, and I smile. "Sometimes I don't even know that I wish it … "_

_-_

One winter night, while alone at home alone, he sat on the futon in the third room with a ball of good quality yarn on his lap and two knitting needles. Years ago, he remembered his mother knitting scarves for the winter for both himself and his father. Now, he practiced the same tradition only he's not a mother.

"I'm a lover." He mumbles and accidentally pokes one of his fingers with the needle. Grabbing the tissue from the side table, he applied pressure on the small dot of broken skin till the bleeding stops. He then continued to knit.

It was at ten-thirty in the afternoon when the front door opens and closes, bringing in a set of three footsteps. He set away his knitting and sigh a bit tiredly. It was a long day and two of his students nearly received permanent scars during taijutsu lessons. He felt tired and worn to the bone and he wasn't even thirty yet.

Pulling his wits together, he pulled the door open to find Kabuto in front of him ready to knock.

"Welcome home." Iruka greeted, smiling.

"We're home." Kabuto smiled, taking Iruka by the hand and leading him to the dining room where Kakashi was bringing plates while Itachi opened their dinner.

"I suggested sushi." Itachi said. "But they told me that your favorite food was ramen."

Kakashi pulled his mask down and quickly placed a small kiss on the corners of Iruka's lips. "I told them that you liked miso better."

He smiled like he always does and nods at the three of them. "Thank you." Iruka rubbed his scar. "Let's eat then."

They eat. They tell stories. Kakashi and Kabuto bicker and pick on each other. They laugh.

It was so normal.

But so empty …

Why did it feel empty?

-

"_You're squad members have not returned. They won't be anymore." Tsunade-Hokage said._

"_I will in form their families." I reply, and dip my head in respect._

"_Please." Tsunade nods and gives me my leave._

_I go to the first family. Then the second. Then the third. And finally the fourth. I came to realize that weeks ago, my teammate's son lost his mother in a mission. The boy holds back the tears with all the will power of a six year old as I tell him the news._

"_Was he brave?" He asks, voice cracking._

"_He was always brave." I answer, quiet and unattached. _

"_You're their captain! You were supposed to protect them! Why are you even alive?" The boy demanded, all the anger and misunderstanding a six year old was capable of poured in to that one question._

_I smiled at him, sad and reach out to pat his messy hair. "I'm not even alive anymore …"_

…

…

TTC (Turn the Page)

Broke the whole document in to four parts because reading it all in one go would be a headache …

FAQs in the last chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

**PAGES 2**

Iruka was in the study room grading papers for his students. It was chilly winter night; they type of nights that caused the glass on windows to fog up so much that the outside can't be seen. Iruka left the responsibility of keeping an eye on the baking cake in the oven to Kabuto who was off duty that day. Itachi came to drop by for a few days before leaving to do his work. His organization was never asked or spoken about. None of their pasts were asked and spoken about between them. It was almost like an unspoken rule that questions related to the topic are to be avoided.

"Iruka-nii! I finished icing the cake!" Kabuto called out from the living room.

Iruka stepped out of his study, leaving half his work done, to reheat dinner just in time to see Kabuto feed Itachi some of the left over strawberries and cream that Iruka prepared for the cake. Itachi had his head pillowed on Kabuto's lap on the couch. The Uchiha would accept every bit of feeding Kabuto gave him, occasionally giving him a coy look and licking the fingers that fed him.

Iruka smiled. Like always. "Do you want more strawberries, Itachi?" Itachi gave him a look before answering. That was when the doorbell rang and the sound of keys jingling sounded from outside. "Hold that answer." Iruka said and padded for the front door to open and let Kakashi in.

"I'm back." Kakashi greeted, quickly pulling his mask down and giving Iruka a warm kiss of hello.

"Welcome back." Iruka smiled again, and moved to take the scarf he knitted for Kakashi around his neck and hang it on the hamper by the door. "They're in the living room."

"Oh?" Kakashi took Iruka's hand and pulled him in to the room as well. "Oh. Strawberries. Did you eat yet?"

"Not yet." Itachi answered, licking Kabuto's finger again before reaching out to pull Iruka on top of him. "I don't want strawberries. I just want you."

"Ah, you have me, Itachi." Iruka smiled and responded to the kiss Itachi pulled him in to. It was almost mechanical to respond back and feel the ever present pleasure that he got used to now.

"Starting so fast huh?" Kakashi mumbled and casually leaned over to kiss Kabuto's forehead and at the same time muss his hair.

"Stop it!" Kabuto frowned.

"You don't like getting your hair mussed?" Kakashi smirked.

"Oh fuck you."

Kakashi grinned, and at this point Iruka breaks the kiss with Itachi slowly. "I know you love my love making!" Kakashi grinned.

"Stop, both of you." Iruka sighed and reached out to smooth down Kabuto's mussed hair. He didn't stop the medic when he was pulled for a hot kiss that involved too much tongue dueling enough to make the other two watching squirm and run their hands up and down Iruka's body. Iruka had to pull back just before he lost any of his clothing. "I'm going to warm dinner up."

"Warm me up!" Kakashi said, giving him a near pouting look.

"We're cold." Kabuto added. Itachi just nodded his want.

"Warm each other up." Iruka laughed and padded for the kitchen smiling. "I just washed the pillow cases! Leave the pillow cases!"

In the kitchen, Iruka could hear Kakashi and Kabuto bicker again. He imagined that the three were on the floor, against the wall where there was no carpet; it was easier to clean wood than wool.

"Move! You're doing it wrong!" Kabuto said with a hint of a frown on his tone.

"Then how?" Kakashi fired back. Iruka didn't miss the whimper Itachi gave out.

"I'll show you how to suck properly! Copy it!" Kabuto answered back just as hotly before groans filled the room.

In the kitchen, Iruka busied himself in tossing the salad and putting the food in to their respective serving dishes. He gave the three outside about twenty minutes before stepping out of the kitchen to find Itachi sagged boneless on the floor and Kakashi on his side. Kabuto remained on his backside licking his lips and staring at the ceiling.

Iruka just smiled and went about fixing the table for dinner.

The three scrambled after him and minutes later they were sitting and having a perfectly good meal of curry, rice and iced chocolate cake.

An hour later, they were all naked in the large futon spread out in the fourth room. Iruka lay in the middle, with both Kakashi and Itachi pillowing their heads on his one shoulder and stomach while Kabuto lay on the other shoulder. Iruka's chest, arms and neck were littered with new bite marks and kiss-bruises. A quick glance at the watch told him that it was nearly two in the morning and he's still not sleepy.

Quietly, he moves one arm and fixes Kabuto's positioning so he's lying down properly on the pillow rather than his shoulder. Then, Iruka gently rouses Kakashi and Itachi and whispers to them quietly and in his loving tone to lie down properly. He made sure that all three were lying on the pillows and straight, rather than in odd angles. Itachi was sandwiched between Kabuto and Kakashi who were both curled against him. Iruka doesn't smile now, in the dark where no one sees him. He moves quietly and automatically; he pulled the blanket over them and made sure that the heater was on low to keep the three warm till morning.

He grabbed his clothes and pulled them on before leaving the room, the door closing with a light click.

At two in the morning, he started grading the papers again.

And he wonders, if life really entered his heart.

He fell asleep on his desk and woke up at sunrise. He only slept for three hours. At seven in the morning, Iruka made sure that he left breakfast on the table while the three were still asleep inside. Kakashi normally woke up at seven fifteen. He'd pick on Kabuto and probably sit on him till the younger man was awake and most probably will convince the medic to give him a morning suck. With the entire racket, Itachi will most definitely join them.

Before all that can even take place, Iruka left the house with a note on the dining table.

I'll be late tonight.

Don't wait for me.

Iruka.

He ate his breakfast in the Academy staff room. The coffee is bland and cheap compared to the one he had at home. But Iruka bares it and doesn't care.

It's just a drink.

-

That night, Iruka spent his evening filing reports. He apologized to Pakkun who tried to drag him home. He smiled at Kabuto who came by after his hospital shift and shook his head.

"No, Kabuto. I'm working tonight. Didn't you read my note?" Iruka asked, all the while smiling.

"I did, Iruka-nii. That's why I'm here." He said, eyes saddening behind round frames.

"Go home. Get rest. You know how behind I am in paper work. You three keep dragging me away from them. I'll try to finish early, I promise."

"You're not having dinner with us?" Kabuto asked.

"No." Iruka shook his head and offered Kabuto a reassuring smile. "Go home. Make sure those two stay away from _natto._"

Kabuto gave in after some time and nodded. "I'll wait for you Iruka-nii."

Iruka just smiled, waved and returned to work. His face remained passive as he automatically filed the papers, stamped the appropriate words and got rid of the boxes that weren't needed. Standard procedures called for standard actions.

Which was why when Kakashi gave up on Pakkun, he was trying to drag Iruka home. "It's eleven already!"

Iruka shook his head and ran his fingers against Kakashi's hair. He was the only one left in the building. "Kashi, if you care for my well being, you'll let me finish my work and not have Hokage-sama yell at me tomorrow for skiving again."

"I do care for you, Ruka! That's why I'm telling you to come home now!" Kakashi buried his face in Iruka's neck. "They're worried. Kabuto is not even being nice anymore."

Iruka sighed and gave Kakashi a warm embrace. "I know you mean well, Kakashi. But I can't keep putting work aside. I know you understand. The more you keep me from my work, the more late I'll come home."

"Ruka!"

"Look, just take care of those two while I'm gone okay? I promise to make it up once work load is off me. Really. " Iruka whispered.

"I don't want to be Mangekyoued when I get home." Kakashi added his dramatic whine to he whole ordeal.

Iruka can only chuckle. "Tell him I'll make it up. You know what I mean." Iruka leaned up and pressed his lips to Kakashi's temple. "I'll be fine."

"Come home soon okay?"

"I will."

When Kakashi left, Iruka went back to his work. By the time he did finish it was close to one in the morning. He didn't go home immediately. Instead, he sat and planned his lesson for the next day and designed the quiz paper he'd be giving the class. When he stepped in to the front door of his house, it was already two thirty. All the lights were off and Iruka didn't bother turning them on. He knew his own home and went about setting his things down systematically. He kept his clothes in the third room and changed in to it before heading for the fourth room to check on the three. All of them were lying down snuggled against each other. They were all busy people and Iruka understands that they're tired.

He sighs quietly and moves to close the door, until one of them sat up.

"Iruka?"

"Yes, Itachi?" Iruka asked softly, smile back in place.

Itachi glanced at the clock and rubbed at an eye. "Why are you so late?"

The answer came out effortlessly. "I had lots of work to finish."

"You're always working." Itachi grumbled.

Iruka remained at the doorway. "They need me."

"It's late. No one works at this time."

"There's no one else." Iruka shrugged.

"Did you eat yet?" Itachi asked, getting to his feet and coming to the door.

"Yes." Iruka lied. He didn't eat since breakfast that morning and he's not hungry at all.

"Will you come to bed now?" Itachi asked, taking Iruka's hand.

"I didn't want to wake you. Any of you." Iruka gave him an apologetic look.

"Come to bed now." Itachi kissed Iruka's chin and pulled him to the futon.

Iruka ended up holding Itachi with Kakashi spooned behind him. Sometime later on before dawn, Kabuto curled up and spooned himself against Kakashi. Iruka didn't leave them till they were all up. He felt it was only fair now. He had a mission waiting for him that afternoon and it will take him away for a few days.

It was only fair for them.

It was after all, normal.

-

"_You ever thought of getting a kid?" His new teammate asked, mask down._

"_Once. A long time ago. But I changed my mind." I reply. _

"_Naruto huh?"_

"_Yes. He's a son to me. I'm proud of him." I nod, fond memories of the young blonde flashing in my head._

"_My kid passed away. Mission."_

"_I heard. And I'm sorry." I look at the ground. It's common for a child to die before their parents just like it is common for a parent to leave their child behind. I am no exception to this chain._

"_I've dreamt of passing things on to him. He died bravely I'm told." My teammate looks at me and asks quietly. "You have things you want to pass on?"_

"_I do. I already did." I nod. "Naruto has a part of me."_

"_Ever thought of sharing your – you know – your life with someone?" He asked, genuinely concern because I see it in his eyes. "With anyone?"_

"_Once. No, twice." I reply, and I thought of Kabuto, my first real lover. Then Kakashi._

"_What happened?" _

_I smile at him like I always do. "I realized that, everything I ever wanted to share already vanished. I have nothing more to share. It died a long time ago …"_

_That night, I saw pity directed at me._

_But I keep smiling. "I'm fine. I'm all right … "_

…

…

TTC


	3. Chapter 3

**PAGES 3**

"You just got home two days ago!" Itachi pointed out.

"Why did you accept the mission? There are other idle units available." Kakashi asked, curious. There was anger in his eyes, annoyance even. "You're always being summoned. It's not healthy for you, Ruka."

Iruka sighed and reached out to comfort Kabuto who was looking hurt and very worried to even protest like the other two. "We already spoke about this before. You know how ANBU missions can get."

"You're going to be gone for a week! You just got back!" Kakashi pressed.

"Kashi …" Iruka sighed, rubbing a temple.

"I'm not trying to dictate you or anything. But come on! Itachi is right! You just got back and we're not even at a war! Why do you have to go?" Kakashi demanded. "You're overworking yourself again."

Iruka stopped mid packing and stared at his sword quietly. "I'm not over working myself."

"Then what?" Kabuto asked quietly. "Last time, you came home with bruises and a nearly crushed arm. Two weeks ago, you couldn't even channel chakra properly from the amount of soldier pills you took."

"It was a difficult mission, Kabuto. You three know very well I lost two men on that mission." Iruka continued packing and taking his uniform out – a new set since the other was damaged to the point that it looked like rags.

"We know." Itachi nodded. "It's just so soon."

Kakashi threw his hands in the air, getting impatient. "Are you trying to kill yourself again?"

Iruka kept packing. "Why would I do that?" The smile remained on his face. "You three wouldn't let me go the last time. I refuse to put more lives in danger after that."

No one spoke.

There were no words that could be formed.

But Iruka smiled at them once he was done packing and led them to bed.

By morning, the three found Iruka's weapons, uniform and mask gone.

-

It was nearly two weeks later, when Iruka was carried by two of his teammates back to the village did any of the three hear from him again. Only this time, Iruka was in the hospital under the Intensive Care Unit by the Hokage herself.

It was only days later were visitors allowed in.

Itachi used the window.

Iruka only smiled at them. "I lost a man and his son on the field. I tried to protect them. The boy was new in ANBU. I'm sorry I made you three worry."

None can say that his teammates were not worth his life. Kabuto wouldn't say it because he knows it will hurt Iruka. Itachi knows that too. Kakashi would contradict everything he believed in if he went against what Iruka said.

But Iruka kept smiling.

"We're just glad you're alive and back." Itachi said, dark eyes lowering with sadness and the prospect of nearly losing Iruka made him feel lost.

"Don't go. Not so soon." Kakashi pleaded silently.

Iruka just kept smiling.

-

"_Ne, ne, sempai! Aren‎'t you going home yet?" My colleague asked._

"_No. Not yet." I shake my head, smiling a bit. Kakashi, Itachi and Kabuto are waiting for me at home, that I know. It's a fine spring evening, and they were making dinner. _

_My colleague gives me an understanding look. "Empty house, huh?"_

_I stopped marking the paper in front of me and smile a bit sadly at her before nodding and looking at the paper again. "Empty house …"_

_-_

Once he was discharged from the hospital, the first thing he did after making sure that things at home are running fine was go to the Cenotaph. He saw the familiar names of his parents and of his old friends and those students he let loose. There were names of colleagues and relatives as well in rows upon rows of carved names. But he's not looking at them. His fingers reached out to trace the new names of people he knew and trusted on his team.

In the past ten months, he lost a total of eleven squad members.

He doesn't want to lose any more.

He whispered a prayer for their souls and vowed to get better and not lose anyone again.

With a determined look, he headed for the Hokage's office.

"I would like to drop my position as a squad leader." Iruka said quietly, but direct and looking directly at Tsuande. "I would like to be demoted to being a squad member instead."

Tsunade didn't have to argue. "Granted. What's your reason?"

"I lost too much. I don't want to lose more. Please put me under harder training." Iruka requested, dipping his head.

"I was going to talk to you about that." Tsunade said tiredly and motioned for Iruka to sit down. "Two people came to me yesterday to express their concern on the matter."

"Hatake Kakashi. Yakushi Kabuto." Iruka said, face quiet and unreadable. "I figured as much."

"They care for you." Tsunade added.

"I know." Iruka looked at his feet. "I know they mean well."

"You know very well Kakashi has his rank as a special Jounin. Kabuto requested to accompany you on your missions as a medic. He'll be good under your watch."

"I understand your intentions, Hokage-sama, but I'm sorry. I refuse to have Kabuto on my team. I refuse to work with him any more. Please understand." Iruka directed Tsunade a near pleading look. "I'm no longer a squad member. I've decided to do solo missions."

"But Iruka – "

"Please Hokage-sama!" Iruka begged. "I – I need to bring honor to my family! I'll do it alone if I have to. I need the experience!"

Tsunade looked at him for the longest time before taking out a sheet of paper. "I will put you under the command of squad leader twelve. You won't be a second in command. Just a regular team member."

"That's fine." Iruka nodded. "Thank you."

"I will grant you permission to carry out solo missions." Tsuande said, looking at the paper she's writing. "On the condition that _none_ of your team members or your comrades are to return to Konoha dead."

"I swear with my life I won't let them die." Iruka said, determination and a will of fire burning in his eyes.

Tsunade looked at him with a sad expression. "That includes you coming back with no permanent injuries."

Iruka nodded, and took the paper Tsunade handed him, gave his thanks and left the room to go back to teaching just as the lunch bell sounded. What Tsunade requested of him was impossible and he knew it very clearly. He knew that coming home without a dead squad member or leader within the future would be near impossible. ANBU missions are never smooth and there was always a fifty-fifty chance that there will be at least one death in every mission. It was Tsunade's slow way of giving someone she thinks mentally unfit to think of resigning.

But Iruka won't quit. He's determined to keep his promise to not lose another teammate.

He's just not sure how he can keep that without having himself severely injured or killed in the middle.

When he got home that night, nobody was there. It didn't surprise him.

What surprised him was that when he woke up the next morning, Kakashi was sauntering about his living room with a bandaged bicep and temple.

"Mission?" Iruka asked, running fingers softly over the bandages.

"Yeah. Nothing serious. They're just stitches." Kakashi shrugged.

"I'll fix you something." Iruka moved towards the kitchen but Kakashi grabbed his wrist.

"We need to talk." Kakashi said, undertones of seriousness ringing in his voice.

Iruka had to blink and wonder. "What about?"

"You."

Iruka smiled and chuckled. "If this is about work – "

"Yes."

"Kashi –" Iruka sighed tiredly.

"Look, can we just sit down?" Kakashi asked, leading Iruka to the couch.

"What is it this time?" Iruka sighed.

"This time?" Kakashi looked at him funny. "Ruka, I'm getting worried. Don't you think you should slow down a bit?"

"I know you're worried. And I appreciate your efforts by going to Hokage-sama first." Iruka replied and it came out sarcastic and bitter. "I'm sorry. I'm just tired."

"Precisely!"

"Look – "

"No, you look! How can you refuse Kabuto's help? You know how good a medic he is!"

Iruka frowned. "Kakashi, I am _not_ going to argue with you about this. Kabuto doesn't have the trust of the people yet. It's nearing a year but do you think – do you honestly think – that the council will agree to having an ex-traitor carry on important missions? Especially missions that may involve Konoha's inner bureaucracy?"

Kakashi swallowed. "Iruka – "

"You mean well. I know the both of you did and I'm so touched. Thankful to have two caring people. But you're going a bit over board with this whole thing. I'm not _that_ weak."

Kakashi frowned. "You lost nearly a dozen men in past months alone."

"I know that! Why do you think I dropped my title as a squad captain?" Iruka sighed and rubbed his temples.

Silence passed between the two of them.

"Why are you doing this?" Kakashi asked.

"What?"

"This. Working so much. Going on every mission chance you have. Help me understand."

Iruka smiled and wrapped his arms around Kakashi, kissing his bandaged temple and scarred eye. "It's my job. My parents always dreamed of me being ANBU. I don't want to fail them now."

And Iruka knew he was lying.

Kakashi did too but for now, he kept quiet.

_-_

_I turned twenty-eight when I woke up that morning. It didn't bother me the least bit when Kabuto was off spending the evening with his parents and had his morning and afternoon duties to attend to. Kakashi was off on a mission since three days ago and I was told he'd come home tonight. I haven't heard from Itachi since I last saw him nearly a week ago and I pray that he's okay._

_It doesn't surprise me so much when my fellow staff members at the Academy threw me a small birthday party in the staff room. It was very nice of them to bother and I love them for it. It was good to know that there are people outside of my personal life who cares to. _

"_Iruka-sensei." A female colleague of mine called out._

"_Yes?" I turned and faced her, smiling and wiping the bit of icing from the corner of my mouth with a napkin._

"_Uh – here." She offered me a small simply brown wrapped package. _

_I took it from her and curiously opened it to find a black bound journal. "Anou – "_

"_I know. It's common but please don't use it as a planning book." She placed her hands on mine that were holding the journal. "I've seen you look troubled and sometimes pained. I can't imagine you'd want to share your thoughts with me or anyone here. But please, use it for you thoughts."_

_I couldn't stop the smile of sadness coming to my face. "Thank you."_

"_It helps. I do it. It helps get the load we can't remove by speech. Do you know what I mean?"_

_I nodded, and gave her a warm embrace thanking her again and again._

_I knew **exactly** how and what she meant._

_-_

That evening, sitting alone quietly in his study, Iruka stared at the black journal. He just came home from a mission. Two weeks ago, during the eve of his birthday, all three entered his house past midnight just to give him well wishes. He laughed that evening, smiled at all of them and kissed all of them the way they liked it and held them till morning while all three used his shoulders and stomach as a makeshift pillow. He didn't leave till they were all awake and made sure that they were all alright before attending to his duties.

He loved them.

Really.

But now, staring at his journal, he wondered if any of them knew how he felt. Counting back the days since they all got together, it's been a year and a month; he hasn't cried for a year and a month. Not even for the death of his teammates.

With one bandaged hand – an injury he attained from his recent mission – he reached for his drawer and pulled out a blank ink pen; his favorite pen. He reached for his journal and turned the first crisp page open. Without thinking, he started to write.

…

…

TTC


	4. Chapter 4

**PAGES 4**

_I realize that I can't speak much to anyone. I realize a lot of things about my life and how I seem to be feeling hollow. There's this gaping hole in me that can't be covered any sort of regrown body tissue. I wanted to speak about my life and how the nearly past four years have affected me._

_I can't stop thanking my colleague enough for giving me this journal and she's right._

_It helps._

_I first met Kabuto in an alley when I was raped and violated by one of the Sannins. I've learned to forget what Orochimaru have done to me and right now, it's but a black star stuck amidst all my other colored star achievements. It doesn't bother me now remembering it. I survived didn't I? He didn't kill me then when I was eighteen. I lived long enough reach my current standing as a trusted Academy teacher and an ANBU – former squad leader until I've finally decided to demote myself in the ranks._

_No, the violation didn't bother me anymore._

_But I think it was on that one day my life turned in to a four year worth of a roller coaster ride that I never paid a ticket for. I never asked for the roller coaster ride simply because it makes me sick and feel weak at the end. _

_But I rode it anyway and I wanted to reach the very top of the first loop only to come down almost as fast as I've reached it. Then again, I wanted to climb for the second loop only to come down again. Then I realize there are no longer any loops and the snacks I had before the ride is ready to come out of my throat, leaving me feeling weak and empty. Empty because I guess all my food is in the waste basket._

_It's same as my life._

_Roller coaster ride._

_In that alley, I met Kabuto. I knew him already, knew briefly of his background and how he was just an adopted son of one of the many skilled medics of the village. He was so skinny then compared to his lean built now. He couldn't even finish a bowl of ramen let alone defend his own lunch at school from the bullies who picked on him. I believed his stories, I believed his reasons and I helped him. Even made him my prankster-apprentice and taught him a few tricks that can be done with simple food coloring and water. _

_And he made me proud._

_I gave him everything I had and I hurt him one so many times by being mean and bitter for the life I can never have with my parents. I blame no one but myself for occasionally losing control over my emotions and lashing out at the closest person; which was always Kabuto because he was always there. Right there beside me until he grew up and reached the legal age._

_Always there._

_And I took it for granted and fell for him sometime in the middle. It was a close relationship for some time. Maybe a year, or maybe more. We were close and I cherished every moment of it; I suppose I gained what I've lost when I befriended Naruto too. I had a wonderful lover and a son that I cared for._

_Then, just like it was always there, it vanished. It left me alone._

_Kabuto betrayed the village and went off with Orochimaru. I didn't **want**__to indulge myself in the non-existing hope that it was all a lie and that Kabuto would never betray the village; but he did. And I hated myself for it. Hated the whole ordeal with a passion that I didn't think I could love again. I didn't want to anymore. I knew I waited and hoped for Kabuto to come back, to take back all the mistakes he's done and redeem himself. But it was a teenager's fantasy and I tell myself I am no longer a teenager; I am an adult. _

_So like any adult would have done, I moved on._

_Kabuto became another black star._

_Then Naruto had to leave. _

_I was alone again, but that's all right. Because this time, I **knew** Naruto was coming back and no matter how it saddened me to lose a son-figure, I smiled and wished him all the well wishes he deserved and kept praying for his safety and future. _

_But I guess I was still alone._

_Somewhere in the middle, just when I had my life pieced together – I was working as teacher, mission desk manager and ANBU captain – Kakashi comes to me; that enigmatic jounin who really was a softy at heart. _

_It started off with quiet ramen dinners and sushi take outs in the office. I don't know how but a month later, I was officially with Kakashi. In a way, he brought comfort to the sealed heart I kept hidden in me; the heart that I forgot even existed in the first place. He's a good man. A person to trust and someone to rely on when things are no longer right._

_He's a good man._

_I know that in my heart and I love him._

_That is what I kept telling myself and for a year it was all okay. He didn't know of my ANBU work simply because of the code of secrecy. But he knew me and knew what I was really like. He just didn't know about my black stars and I intended to keep it that way._

_Until he came back._

_My second black star._

_Kabuto came knocking on Konoha's gates, Orochimaru's head that reeked of all his sins in a bag, claiming that Sound was no more and that he's giving in to custody and returning Uchiha Sasuke.. I accompanied Hokage-sama to the gates immediately and saw him. I felt the anger that I couldn't release two years ago. It dripped off me like black venom but I kept quiet. When Kabuto was taken in, I knew he'd run away so I followed him, leaving his fake clone behind to go after the real one. I took it out on him. Captured him. Made sure he was taken back to Konoha to fix his problems._

"_And you have some nerve to run away. This isn't a prank anymore…" I said, angry and saddened. Kabuto always had that look in his face that always carried some sot of ever lasting sadness ever since I met him. But now, it's a different sort of look I see in his eyes._

_A look of freedom. Freedom from darkness._

_And a gaping hole of emptiness and loss._

_But that sad look was gone and for that alone, I was happy._

"_I wanted to be able to see you again …" He said, not meeting my eyes even when I had the blade pressed against his throat. I was ready to kill him and I was **not** going to back down. I got his attention by flaring up my chakra and I had to pay the price of exposing my identity to Kakashi. But it didn't matter. Kabuto was taken to custody and I was left with what little I had in the first place. Some time later, I found out Kabuto attempted to take his life during the breaks of his hearing and lost all memory he had past the age of twelve. I was given the mission to help him remember._

_Everyday hurt._

_A living hell. _

_Kakashi found out about me and Kabuto eventually. _

_And I remember asking myself at that point if I had anything. Did I even have anything in the first place or what is some sort of illusion cast over my eyes the day I lost my parents? _

_I was in the second loop of my roller coaster ride._

_Until Kakashi started acting funny. It hurt me deeper than I possibly imagined. I knew the signs; the way his muscles was always relaxed on a nearly weekly basis, how he was always far and distant and thinking too much._

_But I clung to the idea that he was a good person. A loyal person who wouldn't do anything intentional. Not without his reasons. And I believed that reason and idea. I gave him every chance and one night, I found him on my bed, in my old apartment, huddled. I came to him, worried and took him in my arms. I broke then. My guilt for feeling old feelings for Kabuto and possibly the idea of breaking when I see him bit by bit came out on that night. _

_I willingly kept my arms open for Kakashi. The doors to my house are always open for him, including the new one I just finished leasing – my parents' house. I tell him that and he trembled in my arms, clung to me. Begged and shook his head. _

_I don't mind._

_I will always have a special place for him in me. _

_He took over with helping Kabuto regain his memory and I went on a mission. I think, in my ride, that mission was the second loop. I was climbing steadily to the top; until everything took a wrong turn. Fate? Bad luck? I wouldn't know. It was supposed to be a simple infiltrating and retrieval mission but it went so horribly wrong. My team and I got separated and we fought our own battle. I wasn't sure I'd make it because things were just too heavy for my legs to carry on any longer._

_Then he came._

_He was there._

_Uchiha Itachi._

_My first initial though through all the fatigue, pain and blood loss was that he was a mere illusion. Until I woke up days later, in a bed, bandaged and in a small cottage of a medic Itachi knew. Reliable, he said._

_I found it strange to be saved by a wanted criminal. A criminal, who in the list our "kill on sight" ninjas. I asked him why._

"_You are important to someone important to me."_

_That is what he said and I didn't understand but I found it endearing and heart warming that Itachi didn't lose all his humanity yet. He was still alive and feeling inside him; aware of what others might feel. Up until he told me what happened; what went on between him and Kakashi. Somewhere then, I remember the crushing feeling that overwhelmed me so much that my body couldn't handle the stress and started deteriorating whatever form of health and immunity I managed to gain in the few days I remained asleep; Itachi took me to Konoha, to safety and for proper medical attention. _

_My wounds healed – Kabuto was good in that way. _

_That point turned everything – I've passed the loop in my ride and now it's going downwards. Kakashi spoke to me of what happened, of what has been happening and I could say nothing. I was there and reminded him again that I will always accept him for as much as he needed me._

_And I kept falling down … faster and faster …_

_Until I got so tired and sick, I didn't want to finish my ride anymore. I wanted off._

_I took a mission that I had no chance of succeeding ever in the first place. I was walking in to my own grave and I knew that **perfectly well**. If I didn't know what I wanted then, I wouldn't have taken it in the first place. _

_And it got so desperate and I could feel death breathing against the back of my neck every time I tried so hard to block a blow or slay an enemy. I lost count of how many times I was pierced by a blade or hit or knocked down …_

_Then they came …_

_All three …_

_And saved me to the near price of their own lives …_

_I didn't want to be saved and the death's breathing on my neck got further and further away… _

_But I was still slinking downwards, head first, from my roller coaster ride …_

_And they love me, they say. Wouldn't let me die, they say._

_And I'd just smile and take them in, hold them. _

_They say they wouldn't let me die … but I don't feel the life anymore. And I hate the hollow feeling. The feeling of your sucking in breaths that you can't taste, or feel touches that aren't there, or hear words that are but a distant hum or have your subconscious do the reacting most of the time …_

_And goddamn this pen for not being water proof. The sticker that came with it said it was water proof but that just shows stupidity and ignorance of man doesn't it? Half of what I wrote is ruined now and I hate this pen …_

_I hate living …_

_And now, having landed on the concrete that the roller coaster was built on, I can't piece my shattered self any more. I am beyond repair and I know that …_

_I wouldn't have jumped if I knew I was coming off alive …_

…

…

_**They said that he suffered for a few minutes …**_

_**They said that he choked …**_

_**They also said that his soul departed …**_

_**They heard of his fall …**_

_**And wondered how to ask so many questions …**_

_**When they know that they won't get any answers …**_

_**Knives tell no tales …**_

_**No science can ask a lifeless object what the person felt when it came to contact with human flesh …**_

_**The blade can't say the feelings **he** felt when he slit his own throat open …**_

_**When he decorated the study floor in red …**_

…

…

_**No answers …**_

…

_**Until they found his thoughts …**_

_**Within the tear stained pages of a black journal …**_

…

…

_**He believed he left strong people behind …**_

…

_**But what he knew … **_

_**Even in death …**_

_**Was that he left them a long time ago … **_

…

…

_**They just didn't know … **_

_**Until they read his last thoughts …**_

…

_**And cried …**_

…

FIN

Before you fire confusions at me, READ THIS FIRST (in case the above journal entry did NOT make sense):

1 – This is a suicidal spin off me and a friend, Kagaya, are currently RP. No, the RP is NOT turning out like this but I started writing this in a point where the ending was moldable to many possibilities.

2 – Iruka was with KABUTO **_first_. **He got to know the boy when he was used by Orochimaru (before the ass betrayed the village completely) and at that point, Kabuto was already owned by Tongue-sama. It was a mission of sorts. Our (RPers) excuse was that Orochimaru was training Kabuto to be a spy or that he was bored and needed pedo-entertainment.

3 – When Kabuto DID leave (Chuunin exams) and the whole Sasuke going to Orochimaru, Iruka got in to a relationship with Kakashi.

4 – Why Kabuto and Itachi get along? Well, Kabuto never liked Oro, and reported to Itachi (they were friends when younger before Itachi turned to a killer in our RP) that Oro has found a way to use Sasuke – Itachi wasn't happy, he came and helped put Tongue-sama to rest. Hence the head (which we dubbed football)

5 – Leaf took Kabuto as prisoner, who tried to commit suicide and in the process of severing his nerves and blood vessels failed during one of his trials coz' they caught him just in time. Price: Lost his memories due to nerve-brain-damage.

6 – While Iruka was helping Kabuto with his memories, Itachi is training Kakashi (Forced him) to be a more efficient and better Sharingan user to pass the lessons to Sasuke. Rape happens – Kakashi breaks. Iruka finds out eventually.

7 – Iruka goes a for a mission as ANBU and the above chapter should be explainable enough as to what happened. So, basically, Iruka finds himself in a triangle. He's trying to keep away from Kabuto because he's **with** Kakashi and Kabuto is trying to deal with the fact that he has to move on. Itachi wants Kakashi, but Kakashi doesn't. In our RP they all get along after that suicide mission _somehow_.

8 – After point 7, I took the liberty of writing this fic out in a possible ending. Hence the foursome. Iruka WANTED to die, but they wouldn't let him. Hence the whole purpose of this fic. Iruka got tired of it all, realized he has three who loves him dearly (yes, when Itachi saved him that time, he fell for him hard because Iruka is the only who looks at everyone – good or evil – in a human way. Our dolphin is special that way).

9 – I suck at writing in present tense and the whole fic is muddled. In any case, pardon. I avoid 1st person narrative like the plague but in this case, I _had_ to use it.

10 – If you're even reading this, I hug you for your bravery and present you the cookie-medal of honor for tolerating crappolas that has been spawned from the deep tresses of my brain (I blame my RP-mate, Kagaya, for this really – I give her mah looove)

NOW you may rant at me (GRINS at people – and puts on armor)


End file.
